un-sweetened; my experience. my story.

It’s like you’re in this fight alone, struggling with your own tired self, sinking in the sand unable to get yourself through it. You fear the sound of the only noise ever hearing, is the silence of your own heartbeat giving up, the thoughts coming to an end, and your soul sending out a final goodbye.

I used to tip-toe around people’s questions, getting uncomfortable and wondering why they had to dig so deep while I was crumbling on the inside, at every second, every minute, and every hour.
No matter how much I smiled and tried to convince them that I was doing just fine, my own eyes deceived me by revealing the ugly truth.
There are certain things that you cannot sugar coat or add a pretty filter that will hide the gruesomeness behind it, and though I’ve noticed that it is almost a taboo, 1 out of 13 (globally) suffers from it.

Anxiety, a relatively small word yet with the tremendous force to completely demolish you from the inside out, and your once peaceful state of mind gets turned upside down into an awry havoc of misery and angst. – You live in this cold despair, breathing in nothing but distress, drowning in tears and the essence of darkness left in the sting of the air. This suffocating sensation of everything taking your sweet breath away as you’re counting down the petals, hoping that by the time you reach the last one, you’ll be in a place much better than the one that you’re in.

For years I struggled with it on a daily basis, day in and day out, several times a day, even nights became something I feared, knowing that even in my sleep I couldn’t escape it.
At times, it felt as if all of my own walls were closing in on me, making it almost impossible to breathe; tormented by a constant pounding heart, unable to swallow, and fear.
Everything around me became threatening, out to get me, and I had never felt so weak as a person as I did in those moments, vulnerable, easy to damage and manipulate. I felt so little, scared, and wondered how an insignificant emotion could take over my life just like that.

Living with depression and constant anxiety is already a nightmare itself, but getting a panic attack is something I’ll never wish upon anyone to ever experience.
That horrid feeling that slowly crawls up your spine ready to blast and have you lose yourself is pure cruelty. Mine used to last for several minutes, but if you have ever had one, then you know that just 60 seconds feels like a lifetime.
They were so raw, brutal, and horrific that it came to a point where I was praying for my life to come to an end, thinking that being dead would be much better than this. Crying, and in agony wishing for death to knock on my door, because I couldn’t re-live another panic attack, it was destroying my life and everything that I had come to love. And worst part? Once the attack had settled, the depression was till there. I was taunted by this crippling ache that I couldn’t understand, and when the panic surfaced, darkness was all I saw.

There is nothing worse than going through the shaking, the cold sweating, every muscle tensing, feeling nauseated, the blurry vision, the loud pounding in your ear, and the sensation of your own heart wanting to claw itself through your chest – all of that while you’re in tears, screaming, and dealing with the panic of everything around you falling apart, thinking you’re about to experience the very last moment of your life. The desperate need to get away, to flee from the odd emotion of feeling like you are about to die, crumbling on the inside, and so is everything around you.
I could even wake up in the middle of the night, sending out a piercing scream from the core of my being, thinking that I was completely insane, pure madness running though every nerve of mine. It’s a bizarre blend of paranoia and close to damn psychotic.

They would creep up on me at all giving moments of the day – with friends, in theaters, at work, and worst, when eating. Suddenly, I found myself avoiding food, fearing that I would have another episode. I started to lose weight, to feel weaker, and I didn’t care – as long as I didn’t have any attacks, I was fine.
Before I knew it, I had developed a second disorder that was taking control of my life.

”don’t let it be this darkened cloud hovering above you, raining all over your paradise.”

As time went by, I somehow found a way to embrace it, I guess you could say that I got used to dealing with them, so then, whenever I felt a panic attack about to kick in, I just went along with it. Ride the wave instead of going against it.
The more you struggle, the more it’ll escalate, and drag out your anxiety.

Once you welcome it and remind yourself that nothing bad is going to happen, you will find yourself slowly adjusting to your situation.
It took me a while before I was able to control it, to not be dominated by my emotions, and not only did they become shorter, I didn’t have them as frequently.
When you start to cooperate with it, it will become much easier to cope with it as well.

I started to create these little mantras that I kept on a loop, playing over and over inside my head until my own brain started to pick up on them, accepting the words that I was telling myself and agreeing.
It can be anything, something that you say to remind yourself that you can do it and will make it through.
Accept yourself and your anxiety, truly love yourself, recognize your own value and beauty, having this awful disorder doesn’t lower your worth as a person.
Though it may sound like bs, these little mantras helped me overcome whatever little monster that had moved into my system without any sort of permission.

For you to cope with your anxiety, you must be able to understand it, and for that, you must know what it is.
What is the core of it? What triggers it? And, what happens to you when it goes nuclear and explodes.
The heart of the anxiety is different to every individual, but the cause is the same to everyone, stress.
Stress based on several types of factors such as; PTS (post-traumatic-stress), phobias, OCD, or environmental reasons like work or relationships.
The result can be the combination of all of the above or one specifically, stress that has been inside of you for a while, bottling up until it blasts.
Once you start to place every piece of the puzzle together, you’ll get a clear picture of what it is that you must focus on in order for you to go into battle. Prepare yourself for what it is that might come up, and face it.

The anxiety is a rising fire, and a panic attack a full blown explosion.

Everyone has a so-called parasympathetic nervous system and a sympathetic nervous system, the parasympathetic nervous system is what makes your brain feel hunger, or knowing when you’re tired. The sympathetic nervous system is what helps you survive traumatic encounters.
During a panic response, your sympathetic nervous system is the one that gets triggered and reacts. Every single one your senses are alert times ten, and your adrenaline kicks in, which causes your heart to pump faster, which in turn is the start to everything else that will suddenly be the worst ten to twenty minutes of your life in that exact moment.

I’ve had therapy, gone to phycologists, gotten every medication for it, but nothing has helped me as much as I have helped myself by being patient.
Don’t be afraid of it, and don’t keep it to yourself. Don’t let it be this darkened cloud hovering above you, raining all over your paradise.
You as a being are much stronger than a small thought, don’t give it the power to tear you apart. It might sound like a cliche but fake it ‘till you make it. Fool your own brain, feed it with encouragement at every hour of every day, and eventually, it’ll start to actually work. Overpower and overshadow those horrid emotions, knock them down before they knock you down.

As hard as it may be, try with every once of force inside of you to guide yourself through your surroundings once you have an episode, reminding yourself that you are safe, and that, will slowly bring you back.

The anxiety is still there underneath, taunting me, but every day is becoming easier to deal with. I still struggle with panic attacks every now and then, but I don’t constantly feel that fear and uneasiness at every minute of the day anymore. I am once again doing the things that I once loved but stopped because I was scared that I would get another episode of pure panic.
Don’t let it get in the way of doing what makes you happy. Whatever that brings you that spark of bliss, do that. Never let it win.

Use your voice, seek treatment, find whatever that might be able to help you. The mantra helped me, but we’re all individuals and work in different ways, but don’t be afraid of trying to find a solution so you can overcome it and leave it behind you. You are not alone, thousands of souls are dealing with it out there, and I send every bit of my heart out to those spirits, knowing that it ain’t easy.
Don’t become a hostage of an illness, you’re not a bird with clipped wings, you might be slightly tainted but not broken. Soon, you’ll be free to fly.

Stay beautiful. Stay unique. Stay strong.

 

Few things that helped me along the way;
Mantras
Meditation

Supplements (If you are missing a certain substance, that alone can trick your brain into sending signals that you’re not doing well. Example, lack of Magnesium,Vitamin B, Iron, and others, can lead to depression) Take a full blood test and see if there’s a vitamin that is missing.
The tv-show FRIENDS (spending few hours a day just laughing, did wonders)
Zen Living (Cleansing my mind from clutter, identify the resistance and remove it, face the problem and don’t run away from it, fight it.)
A healthy diet
Music. Reading. Writing.

Treatment (provided by doctors)

Marine Sponsor

Some seem to view the ocean, this blue endless (in size) and depth as invulnerable, and not as a home to living creatures.
More than half of the animals living under the sea are becoming threatened and endangered by the minute, and by the rate the humankind are destroying our oceans on this beautiful planet, we’ll be losing these gorgeous species.
They are decreasing, and on the rise to come to an end. Not only because the humankind treats it as a garbage can – over 4.7 billion plastic items are dumped in landfills and oceans every year worldwide, but also because each second sharks are being killed for their fins, corals are dying thanks to climate change, and thanks to uncontrolled exploitation that is damaging marine areas that are important for fishes and other animals.
By supporting a cause involved with this you’re contributing to hopefully, one day restoring not only our beautiful oceans, but stunning marine animals that are practically gone as well.
Become a marine sponsor and help make a change, become these voiceless animals voices and speak for them, fight for their rights and their home. Stop poaching, and help restore a balance.
You can also make small changes in your daily living such a recycling, buying organic, maybe going vegan, etc. All this will also help stop global warming and hopefully save our planet. I do my part at www.wwf.se by each month donating a certain amount.

1

 

Blade Runner 2049 (Review)

Director; Denis Villeneuve
2h 44 minutes
Sci-fi/Mystery
From 2017

Let’s continue with snoozing fiesta number 2.
Blade Runner 2049, an even stronger sleeping pill that simply sends you into an early death, I could physically hear my heart-rate going flat on the EKG during these 164 minutes.
Could be my own fault though, I might’ve set my expectations ridiculously high due to the massive hype this film got at its release. The high online reviews, the high IMDb rating of 8.2, and the 5 Oscar nominations, and the total of 121 Award nominations and 57 wins! HOW?

The first film and this are officially the most boring thing I have ever let my vision witness, and I feel like apologizing to my own eyes for torturing them with this. My question now is, what is it about these films that people love and compliment so much?

The only positive thing about this experience, trying to find a silver lining, next time someone asks, ”which is the most boring, slowest, and dullest film you’ve ever seen?” I will have an actual answer other than, ”Oh, I don’t know. Don’t think I’ve ever seen such sucky movie.”
Now I officially have, it’s called Blade Runner 1 & 2.
1/10



Blade Runner (Review)

Director; Ridley Scott
1h 57 minutes
Sci-fi/thriller
From 82.

A snoozing fest at its finest, a brilliant way to put people to sleep without any pharmaceutical.
To quote Janice, ”Oh. My. God.”
It was pure and utter torture to sit through this film that so many had the audacity to claim to be a masterpiece. Watching paint dry, would’ve been Disneyland compared to these 117 minutes that NEVER seemed to pass. It must’ve been the dullest, slowest, and most boring movie I have ever seen, literally.

I have never experienced such slow paced manuscript, from beginning to end it never, not even for the slightest of second speed or becomes in any way thrilling, and God forbid there was any sort of action, something to intrigue and wake you up from the coma.
I legit thought I had aged a hundred years once the credits started rolling.

A Blade Runner played by a very handsome Harrison Ford (keep in mind that this film was released in 82), must find four replicants who stole a ship and have now returned to Earth.

Sure, it sounds slightly interesting, and in that era, it must’ve been a quite fresh and unique idea for a film, but the pace people, it was a slow dying death at its best.
Blade Runner is a sleeping pill that takes you on a journey of boredom and nothing else! 2/10
And that 2 is for the sole performance and visual.


This was shown at the movie marathon by Film Sensation (Universal and SONY) and the rating and review have nothing to do with the actual event.
The people could not have been any more delightful, and I am extremely thankful for the invite and will continue going whenever invited.
Also, kudos to Hemma-Kväll for delivering snacks and beverage for the two films, it was highly appreciated by myself and my +1. So huge thank you to everyone who prepared and was involved.

Make a change

Thank you, to wwfsverige for my adorable little turtle (named him Phil)
Everyone can get one by simply becoming a marine sponsor at wwf.se, and donating a certain amount each month to help these beautiful species that are on the rise to come to an end if we don’t act and start making changes.
By something so little, you can make a huge difference and contribution to our amazing planet.
Set an example for future generations, your families, and kids. They should have the honor as we have had to know what a whale is, a shark, a turtle, and all those other beings that call the ocean their home.
They should bless their sight with the beauty of these magnificent sea animals, but by the rate they’re becoming extinct, they’ll only know them by pictures. Support a cause, help make a change.

Jigsaw (Review)

Directors; Michael Spierig & Peter Spierig
Thriller/Crime/Mystery
1h 32 minutes
From 2017

Let’s play a game. The one phrase that makes the hair on your neck stand, the one line that crawls up your spine thanks to that voice that we all could recognize anywhere, anytime.
Jigsaw, another film to the SAW franchise that revolves around John Kramer and his urgent need for others to pay for their sins. Making each and one question how much their life is truly worth to them.

Years after the last film completely certain that John Kramer is dead, dead bodies start to appear and it’s up to the detectives to figure who is behind the new games.
Is it a Jigsaw fan, a copycat, or is Kramer alive?

The chainsaw soundtrack at the beginning brought the chills, not only because of the creepy sound and you know what lies ahead for the characters, but also because I was certain that they had ended the series with the last film. It was pure bliss knowing that the storyline and Tobin Bell (John Kramer) was finally back again.

I loved the movies, and I truly enjoyed this one.
It might not have the thrill, terror, and gore that the previous ones had, but it’s still pretty decent.
The Saw movies are known for its insane traps that used to leave you gasping for air and sitting on needles when the 60 seconds started counting down and you wondering if whoever is trapped, will make it out alive. Here, the traps fall flat, simple, and boring. As a huge fan, one might get slightly disappointed, but it’s still worth a watch. 5/10