un-sweetened; my experience. my story.

It’s like you’re in this fight alone, struggling with your own tired self, sinking in the sand unable to get yourself through it. You fear the sound of the only noise ever hearing, is the silence of your own heartbeat giving up, the thoughts coming to an end, and your soul sending out a final goodbye.

I used to tip-toe around people’s questions, getting uncomfortable and wondering why they had to dig so deep while I was crumbling on the inside, at every second, every minute, and every hour.
No matter how much I smiled and tried to convince them that I was doing just fine, my own eyes deceived me by revealing the ugly truth.
There are certain things that you cannot sugar coat or add a pretty filter that will hide the gruesomeness behind it, and though I’ve noticed that it is almost a taboo, 1 out of 13 (globally) suffers from it.

Anxiety, a relatively small word yet with the tremendous force to completely demolish you from the inside out, and your once peaceful state of mind gets turned upside down into an awry havoc of misery and angst. – You live in this cold despair, breathing in nothing but distress, drowning in tears and the essence of darkness left in the sting of the air. This suffocating sensation of everything taking your sweet breath away as you’re counting down the petals, hoping that by the time you reach the last one, you’ll be in a place much better than the one that you’re in.

For years I struggled with it on a daily basis, day in and day out, several times a day, even nights became something I feared, knowing that even in my sleep I couldn’t escape it.
At times, it felt as if all of my own walls were closing in on me, making it almost impossible to breathe; tormented by a constant pounding heart, unable to swallow, and fear.
Everything around me became threatening, out to get me, and I had never felt so weak as a person as I did in those moments, vulnerable, easy to damage and manipulate. I felt so little, scared, and wondered how an insignificant emotion could take over my life just like that.

Living with depression and constant anxiety is already a nightmare itself, but getting a panic attack is something I’ll never wish upon anyone to ever experience.
That horrid feeling that slowly crawls up your spine ready to blast and have you lose yourself is pure cruelty. Mine used to last for several minutes, but if you have ever had one, then you know that just 60 seconds feels like a lifetime.
They were so raw, brutal, and horrific that it came to a point where I was praying for my life to come to an end, thinking that being dead would be much better than this. Crying, and in agony wishing for death to knock on my door, because I couldn’t re-live another panic attack, it was destroying my life and everything that I had come to love. And worst part? Once the attack had settled, the depression was till there. I was taunted by this crippling ache that I couldn’t understand, and when the panic surfaced, darkness was all I saw.

There is nothing worse than going through the shaking, the cold sweating, every muscle tensing, feeling nauseated, the blurry vision, the loud pounding in your ear, and the sensation of your own heart wanting to claw itself through your chest – all of that while you’re in tears, screaming, and dealing with the panic of everything around you falling apart, thinking you’re about to experience the very last moment of your life. The desperate need to get away, to flee from the odd emotion of feeling like you are about to die, crumbling on the inside, and so is everything around you.
I could even wake up in the middle of the night, sending out a piercing scream from the core of my being, thinking that I was completely insane, pure madness running though every nerve of mine. It’s a bizarre blend of paranoia and close to damn psychotic.

They would creep up on me at all giving moments of the day – with friends, in theaters, at work, and worst, when eating. Suddenly, I found myself avoiding food, fearing that I would have another episode. I started to lose weight, to feel weaker, and I didn’t care – as long as I didn’t have any attacks, I was fine.
Before I knew it, I had developed a second disorder that was taking control of my life.

”don’t let it be this darkened cloud hovering above you, raining all over your paradise.”

As time went by, I somehow found a way to embrace it, I guess you could say that I got used to dealing with them, so then, whenever I felt a panic attack about to kick in, I just went along with it. Ride the wave instead of going against it.
The more you struggle, the more it’ll escalate, and drag out your anxiety.

Once you welcome it and remind yourself that nothing bad is going to happen, you will find yourself slowly adjusting to your situation.
It took me a while before I was able to control it, to not be dominated by my emotions, and not only did they become shorter, I didn’t have them as frequently.
When you start to cooperate with it, it will become much easier to cope with it as well.

I started to create these little mantras that I kept on a loop, playing over and over inside my head until my own brain started to pick up on them, accepting the words that I was telling myself and agreeing.
It can be anything, something that you say to remind yourself that you can do it and will make it through.
Accept yourself and your anxiety, truly love yourself, recognize your own value and beauty, having this awful disorder doesn’t lower your worth as a person.
Though it may sound like bs, these little mantras helped me overcome whatever little monster that had moved into my system without any sort of permission.

For you to cope with your anxiety, you must be able to understand it, and for that, you must know what it is.
What is the core of it? What triggers it? And, what happens to you when it goes nuclear and explodes.
The heart of the anxiety is different to every individual, but the cause is the same to everyone, stress.
Stress based on several types of factors such as; PTS (post-traumatic-stress), phobias, OCD, or environmental reasons like work or relationships.
The result can be the combination of all of the above or one specifically, stress that has been inside of you for a while, bottling up until it blasts.
Once you start to place every piece of the puzzle together, you’ll get a clear picture of what it is that you must focus on in order for you to go into battle. Prepare yourself for what it is that might come up, and face it.

The anxiety is a rising fire, and a panic attack a full blown explosion.

Everyone has a so-called parasympathetic nervous system and a sympathetic nervous system, the parasympathetic nervous system is what makes your brain feel hunger, or knowing when you’re tired. The sympathetic nervous system is what helps you survive traumatic encounters.
During a panic response, your sympathetic nervous system is the one that gets triggered and reacts. Every single one your senses are alert times ten, and your adrenaline kicks in, which causes your heart to pump faster, which in turn is the start to everything else that will suddenly be the worst ten to twenty minutes of your life in that exact moment.

I’ve had therapy, gone to phycologists, gotten every medication for it, but nothing has helped me as much as I have helped myself by being patient.
Don’t be afraid of it, and don’t keep it to yourself. Don’t let it be this darkened cloud hovering above you, raining all over your paradise.
You as a being are much stronger than a small thought, don’t give it the power to tear you apart. It might sound like a cliche but fake it ‘till you make it. Fool your own brain, feed it with encouragement at every hour of every day, and eventually, it’ll start to actually work. Overpower and overshadow those horrid emotions, knock them down before they knock you down.

As hard as it may be, try with every once of force inside of you to guide yourself through your surroundings once you have an episode, reminding yourself that you are safe, and that, will slowly bring you back.

The anxiety is still there underneath, taunting me, but every day is becoming easier to deal with. I still struggle with panic attacks every now and then, but I don’t constantly feel that fear and uneasiness at every minute of the day anymore. I am once again doing the things that I once loved but stopped because I was scared that I would get another episode of pure panic.
Don’t let it get in the way of doing what makes you happy. Whatever that brings you that spark of bliss, do that. Never let it win.

Use your voice, seek treatment, find whatever that might be able to help you. The mantra helped me, but we’re all individuals and work in different ways, but don’t be afraid of trying to find a solution so you can overcome it and leave it behind you. You are not alone, thousands of souls are dealing with it out there, and I send every bit of my heart out to those spirits, knowing that it ain’t easy.
Don’t become a hostage of an illness, you’re not a bird with clipped wings, you might be slightly tainted but not broken. Soon, you’ll be free to fly.

Stay beautiful. Stay unique. Stay strong.


Few things that helped me along the way;

Supplements (If you are missing a certain substance, that alone can trick your brain into sending signals that you’re not doing well. Example, lack of Magnesium,Vitamin B, Iron, and others, can lead to depression) Take a full blood test and see if there’s a vitamin that is missing.
The tv-show FRIENDS (spending few hours a day just laughing, did wonders)
Zen Living (Cleansing my mind from clutter, identify the resistance and remove it, face the problem and don’t run away from it, fight it.)
A healthy diet
Music. Reading. Writing.

Treatment (provided by doctors)

Blade Runner (Review)

Director; Ridley Scott
1h 57 minutes
From 82.

A snoozing fest at its finest, a brilliant way to put people to sleep without any pharmaceutical.
To quote Janice, ”Oh. My. God.”
It was pure and utter torture to sit through this film that so many had the audacity to claim to be a masterpiece. Watching paint dry, would’ve been Disneyland compared to these 117 minutes that NEVER seemed to pass. It must’ve been the dullest, slowest, and most boring movie I have ever seen, literally.

I have never experienced such slow paced manuscript, from beginning to end it never, not even for the slightest of second speed or becomes in any way thrilling, and God forbid there was any sort of action, something to intrigue and wake you up from the coma.
I legit thought I had aged a hundred years once the credits started rolling.

A Blade Runner played by a very handsome Harrison Ford (keep in mind that this film was released in 82), must find four replicants who stole a ship and have now returned to Earth.

Sure, it sounds slightly interesting, and in that era, it must’ve been a quite fresh and unique idea for a film, but the pace people, it was a slow dying death at its best.
Blade Runner is a sleeping pill that takes you on a journey of boredom and nothing else! 2/10
And that 2 is for the sole performance and visual.

This was shown at the movie marathon by Film Sensation (Universal and SONY) and the rating and review have nothing to do with the actual event.
The people could not have been any more delightful, and I am extremely thankful for the invite and will continue going whenever invited.
Also, kudos to Hemma-Kväll for delivering snacks and beverage for the two films, it was highly appreciated by myself and my +1. So huge thank you to everyone who prepared and was involved.

IT (Bluray review)

Director; Andy Muschietti
2h 15 minutes
Swedish premiere; September 13th

Andy Muschietti has truly outdone himself in this remarkable remake, the horror classic from the 90’s based on one of Stephen King’s novels, It. A film for this, and future generations to enjoy and be a part of.

The movie is an extraordinary tribute to not only the original, but also to the writer behind the story as well. The eye for every detail in every moment does not go unnoticed, from the vision, sound, to script – from beginning to end, it’s simply flawless.
You’ll have the creeps crawling through every nerve of yours just by seeing the credits, the melodic yet unpleasant soundtrack of children softly singing, the gray and rainy day, to the performance of every single actor involved.

I wouldn’t call it a hardcore-hands-down horror film, but the thrill and suspense is there, and it wasn’t so much ”jump-in-your-face” type of scenes, but tension, shadows, and sound building up and the atmosphere that delivered that great scary touch to it, along side with the amazing work from the makeup and costume department when it came to Pennywise (the clown), and the other ”monster” like characters.

The actors, who were mostly children, were brilliant, truly phenomenal in every aspect of their act.
One that is already such a talent, is Finn Wolfhard. You might recognize him from the amazing hit tv-show Stranger Things that is streaming on Netflix. Oh Lord, what a joy it is to observe and listen to him, I don’t care how young he is, I literally want to be friends with him, he’s definitely the coolest kid on the block!

Another one that blew me away, (well they all did), but especially, was Jack Dylan Grazer. I don’t know if it was his role, the outfit, but he literally reminded me of Steve Carell in a mini version. He was fantastic. They were all amazing, probably more talented than most grown up actors to be honest.
Superb job from the entire cast and crew. It was a perfect cocktail of drama, horror elements with a dash of comedy thanks to the epic comebacks the kids had for each other. 9/10 And applause to our Swedish actor for giving such classic character justice with his supreme act.

Bluray extras;
Deleted scenes.
The losers’ club.
Pennywise lives.
Author of fear.

Copy from Fox Movies.